Divorce ? Not the Only Option
The problem of divorce has been around almost since marriage; but our society has made it an attractive alternative to working through the issues. This problem has turned into an epidemic and it grows worse every year (DIVORCE). The ease of getting a divorce camouflages the pain of the repercussions; we avoid immediate pain by causing, in most situations, long term suffering. Some divorces are unavoidable, some even beneficial, but most become a detriment to the family and our society as a whole. Statistics show that one out of every two marriages ends in divorce (Fetsch & Jacobson). Whether we live in big cities, small towns or rural areas, our nation truly consists of small communities, intermingled to create a tapestry of neighbors, woven together at the family level. Divorce destroys that fabric at its core.

Fortunately, divorce can be not only avoided, but fully defeated. Most couples considering divorce do not see that they have become selfish. Most do not realize the futility in trying to change someone else. Most do not know that they can change their feelings by changing their actions. Most are just two hurting people unable or unwilling to find a compromise. Christian counseling can offer a place of enlightenment, refuge and healing (Collins 317). Having an unbiased third party in the room can create a safe zone where couples can comfortably share their feelings. A counselor can also look objectively at the differences and offer conciliations that, otherwise, might not arise.

In my more than 1500 counseling sessions, I have learned when couples go through the courtship process they focus on the other?s needs. Once married though, somehow that focus becomes about self. This concept is confirmed by Dr. Paul Looney, MD of Psychiatry in his One Flesh marriage seminars. Many ask, ?Why are my needs not met?? Some reflectively question, ?Why am I not happy in this relationship?? In the beginning, we are in love and relationally satisfied; but, over time the feelings fade and we think that we have fallen out of love. We did not fall out of love, we became self serving. The opposite of love is not hatred but selfishness. Our individualistic society breeds selfishness; therefore, we must move against the current and change the way we think. Counseling can help us take our focus from self and apply it to our spouse again. Through the process, love can reappear.

Following some counseling sessions, Kat said, ?I never realized that I avoided most intimate conversation with Bob.? She further stated, ?Once I started listening to him, I saw that I was not focusing on my marriage, only what I thought would make me happy.?

Bob said, ?Counseling has helped me understand the needs of Kat. Now I try to fulfill those needs, and our marriage has never been better.? Marriage constitutes a two-way street that requires commitment from both parties.
We can fall in love, initially, because of differences. At some time in our life, we recognize that we have weaknesses and, consciously or not, begin looking for someone who can complete us, or fill those limitations. Once we find someone, our differences draw us together and relationally, we feel completed; but, once our focus becomes individualistic again, we lose that feeling of completion, gain a feeling of dissatisfaction, and request a divorce based on irreconcilable differences. The same differences that once reconciled us now leave us irreconcilable.

Many think that marital satisfaction lies in changing their spouse. You cannot change someone else because you do not have control over anyone but yourself. Accepting that you have no control over others and taking personal responsibility for your actions will start you down the path of healing your marriage. Irreconcilable differences can be reconciled if we will do the work required. If we will take our focus from our self and place it on our spouse again we can find that the differences that drove us apart were the opposites that attracted us in the first place. Marital fulfillment does not result from a fifty/fifty arrangement (Bales). Each person must contribute one hundred percent of self for a marriage to work.

Many claim, ?I?m not in love anymore.? We define love as a feeling and feelings follow actions. If we change our actions, our feelings will follow. Most think that the problem lies with the other person; and if we could only get out of the current situation, we would find someone to make us happy again. We do not realize that we have responsibility for our own happiness and, consequently, for our own misery. We must take responsibility for our actions and, consequently, our feelings. Otherwise, leaving and ultimately ending up with someone else does us no good because, no matter where we go, there we are. Without addressing our own actions we will just, eventually, end up unhappy with someone else.

In many relationships we hear, ?But I am right!? Perhaps, but two sides inhabit every issue and both claim being right. Visualize you and your mate in a relational tug of war, both pulling to prove your point. You both stand at each end of an issue and try to pull the other into submission. We call this right fighting, and in this case, right is way over rated. Both straining and attempting to pull the other off their feet and into a mud pit. In this scenario, who wins? Let us say you both stop pulling, and meet in the middle. Standing beside the mud pit, you can reach a compromise that allows you both to come out victorious, and unsoiled.
Some just try to stick it out for the sake of the kids or family or religious convictions. Why do this if a better marriage and better life lies ahead of you?

Help can be found, usually near the closest mud pit of compromise and victory. A Christian marriage counselor can help make a significant difference in preventing divorce (Collins 545). If you are considering divorce, seek out help. Counseling can result in a better life for you, your spouse and your family.